When it hurts to be alive.

I never knew it would hurt so much.

I broke up with him in anger. But I cried in despair. I broke up because I felt disgust, but I hurt myself to feel the real pain. I broke up with wrath gushing through all my senses, now I felt numb.

Then, I felt dumb.

The guilt hurt me much more than pain ever could. He did do something wrong, but to everyone, I was the one who broke up. I was the one who left him stranded. Everyone said.. "She knew he flirted with girls. Whats wrong with that? Afterall, he loved her."

But noone saw my side of the story. That he lied to me. He kept things hidden from me. And he became very very possessive about me too. I felt uncomfortable with him. That doesn't happen in love, right?

But they said.. "Ahh, you are naive. Its your first time. Thats why you felt so insecure. And he just picked up a line from a movie, whats the big deal? Atleast he made you realise! He helped you come out of your shell..".

And I thought.. What if they are right? What if he was right all the time? Did he deserve it? He must have felt hurt too..

But I knew my heart didn't lie to me either. I needed my space. I needed honesty.

He must be hurt too.. I can't do a thing about it now either. I am not even sure why I liked him in the first place. But, I feel guity too..

Vacillating between guilt and self-denial, I was a nervous wreck.. I cried for hours every night, felt afraid to tell anybody, and even tried to cut myself one or two times. Thank god, I didn't, for am so afraid of blood, I couldn't think about showing it to my mom, for she knows I hate seeing blood. And the story would come out, and I just couldn't share all this with anyone then. I needed time for myself, I thought I would be able to deal with it myself..

They say, time heals.. Let me tell you, it doesn't.

I wasted one complete year in this. Fucked up my Board exams, and a half of the first year at college..

They are so difficult to erase. The emotional scars.